Taking a break from writing to ... write

I still don’t think it’s really hit me that student teaching is over, even though it’s such a relief not to be preparing lessons every night. My last day was a bit surreal. I had to hold back tears in 1^st period, and wondered if I would make it through the day. Somehow I did, and even got applause from 5^th period after my sappy (but very genuine & heartfelt) little farewell speech. I realize I’m not always great with details, and recently forgot a very dear friend’s birthday, but I know I will never forget those kids. They are etched forever in my memory. It’s hard, letting go & saying goodbye. After spending so much time investing in their lives, pouring energy into their world, devoting time to their education and school experiences, and all of a sudden, it’s over. I may never see them again. Even the ones who tested me and tried my patience … it’s odd and twisted, but I miss them. (I don’t miss the daily headaches that hit around 6pm, though. What a relief.)

I think I secretly wished I’d have “figured out” teaching by the end of these 13 weeks, when in actuality I probably have even more questions than I did before. It kind of scares me to think about doing this alone, without my mentor teacher. I feel like I need more time to observe, more days of apprenticeship, but that’s probably just my own insecurity. I have no clue how I’m going to keep up with grading, planning, duties, paperwork, meetings, IEPs, parents, and extracurricular activities … no clue. At least I know what to expect. The first year or two are going to be rough. I definitely have a greater appreciation for all of the teachers in my life, even the not-so-great ones.

It’s kind of fun to be a student again. I’m still a bit shocked over someone’s response in class this week. We were discussing job interviews & potential questions, and were told certainly to expect questions about classroom management, and to be able to give an example. One girl seemed perplexed and said, “I really didn’t have any problems with discipline other than talking. How would I answer that?” Once several of us collected our dropped jaws, I told her I’d be happy to provide her with numerous actual scenarios from which to construct an answer. I can’t see this girl being a tyrant in the classroom, but she definitely had a different experience than most of us. Good luck in the real world, sweetcakes.

I’ll be so happy by this time next week, when this portfolio will be written, proofread, printed, organized, and defended. I enjoy writing, but wish I was faster at it. I think I need to spend less time trying to construct ideal sentences. I’ve become a pro at shift-F7, and even have some of the synonyms memorized for certain words. I love L’s comments in class this week: to someone who wondered aloud, “How in the world are we going to finish the rest of this??” she responded, “Lower your standards!” What a concept. I’m thankful that we’ve at least managed to share references and have a master list among us for each principle; it certainly makes writing the introductions a bit more bearable.

I’m mildly happy that my analytical nature actually benefited me in my exit evaluation. I spent much of my 13 weeks feeling worthless as a teacher, mostly because I constantly compared myself to someone who’s been teaching 20 years and therefore does certain things much more naturally and makes it all seem so effortless (yes, that run-on sentence makes me cringe too). While he didn’t offer as much helpful advice as I would have liked, he did rate me high on certain qualities, even telling me I was very reflective. So congratulations, UNC, you’re cranking out a reflective practitioner, even if I stink at most other aspects of teaching.

I had fun interviewing today – and was in awe at the demeanor of the kids in each class I observed. I know kids are kids, wherever they are, regardless of the school / city / country. But it was refreshing to be in a place where kids seemed eager to learn, respectful of authority, and happy to be in school (awake, even). I just wish they wanted a Bio. teacher instead of Chemistry… we’ll see what happens.