Mirror, mirror, on the wall

At least that's what I feel like right now, after all this reflecting. Although I think I'm a bit more like one of those funhouse mirrors where everything is distorted and makes no sense. To continue that image, I suppose an appropriate response would be to dissolve in laughter and move along to the next exhibit.

That's exactly what I want to do...move along, away from this portfolio beast. I can find plenty of things to do other than introduce, analyze, and reflect. It's amazing what becomes tempting when I'm sick of writing. I even ate chocolate today, and I'm not all that fond of it (yes, I'm weird). Chocolate sure beats staring blankly at a computer screen though. I hear Sean Connery's lines from Finding Forrester reverberating in my head, "Don't think! Just write!"

Arrrrgh. Back at it, I suppose.

Taking a break from writing to ... write

I still don’t think it’s really hit me that student teaching is over, even though it’s such a relief not to be preparing lessons every night. My last day was a bit surreal. I had to hold back tears in 1^st period, and wondered if I would make it through the day. Somehow I did, and even got applause from 5^th period after my sappy (but very genuine & heartfelt) little farewell speech. I realize I’m not always great with details, and recently forgot a very dear friend’s birthday, but I know I will never forget those kids. They are etched forever in my memory. It’s hard, letting go & saying goodbye. After spending so much time investing in their lives, pouring energy into their world, devoting time to their education and school experiences, and all of a sudden, it’s over. I may never see them again. Even the ones who tested me and tried my patience … it’s odd and twisted, but I miss them. (I don’t miss the daily headaches that hit around 6pm, though. What a relief.)

I think I secretly wished I’d have “figured out” teaching by the end of these 13 weeks, when in actuality I probably have even more questions than I did before. It kind of scares me to think about doing this alone, without my mentor teacher. I feel like I need more time to observe, more days of apprenticeship, but that’s probably just my own insecurity. I have no clue how I’m going to keep up with grading, planning, duties, paperwork, meetings, IEPs, parents, and extracurricular activities … no clue. At least I know what to expect. The first year or two are going to be rough. I definitely have a greater appreciation for all of the teachers in my life, even the not-so-great ones.

It’s kind of fun to be a student again. I’m still a bit shocked over someone’s response in class this week. We were discussing job interviews & potential questions, and were told certainly to expect questions about classroom management, and to be able to give an example. One girl seemed perplexed and said, “I really didn’t have any problems with discipline other than talking. How would I answer that?” Once several of us collected our dropped jaws, I told her I’d be happy to provide her with numerous actual scenarios from which to construct an answer. I can’t see this girl being a tyrant in the classroom, but she definitely had a different experience than most of us. Good luck in the real world, sweetcakes.

I’ll be so happy by this time next week, when this portfolio will be written, proofread, printed, organized, and defended. I enjoy writing, but wish I was faster at it. I think I need to spend less time trying to construct ideal sentences. I’ve become a pro at shift-F7, and even have some of the synonyms memorized for certain words. I love L’s comments in class this week: to someone who wondered aloud, “How in the world are we going to finish the rest of this??” she responded, “Lower your standards!” What a concept. I’m thankful that we’ve at least managed to share references and have a master list among us for each principle; it certainly makes writing the introductions a bit more bearable.

I’m mildly happy that my analytical nature actually benefited me in my exit evaluation. I spent much of my 13 weeks feeling worthless as a teacher, mostly because I constantly compared myself to someone who’s been teaching 20 years and therefore does certain things much more naturally and makes it all seem so effortless (yes, that run-on sentence makes me cringe too). While he didn’t offer as much helpful advice as I would have liked, he did rate me high on certain qualities, even telling me I was very reflective. So congratulations, UNC, you’re cranking out a reflective practitioner, even if I stink at most other aspects of teaching.

I had fun interviewing today – and was in awe at the demeanor of the kids in each class I observed. I know kids are kids, wherever they are, regardless of the school / city / country. But it was refreshing to be in a place where kids seemed eager to learn, respectful of authority, and happy to be in school (awake, even). I just wish they wanted a Bio. teacher instead of Chemistry… we’ll see what happens.

So long, farewell . . .

Today was my last day of teaching the rowdy class (unless you count tomorrow, which isn't really teaching since it's a test) ~ I don’t think I hit all the standards for one of the units, but my mentor apparently doesn’t care. He was basically trying to teach to their interests anyway, and since there’s no EOC, I’m not entirely sure the SCOS was his top priority.

I’d like to say I finished with a heartwarming success story of sparking their curiosity in Earth Science. And that my meager attempts at interactive lesson plans engaged my students so well that any disciplinary action was completely obviated. That’s not exactly what happened; in fact, sometimes I think I’m returning the class back to him in a much more chaotic state than when I entered, although he’s far too nice to agree with me. At least I had the chance to try out several activities and teach a few units. My students may not have learned anything, but I know I did, and it ended up being good Praxis preparation, if nothing else. One thing that seems appealing about block schedule became apparent through this class: if you get a challenging class, it’s only one semester . . . and that speaks to a student’s perspective as well. If they truly hate science (as much as it pains me to accept that reality), they only have to put up with it for a few months instead of an entire year. I’m looking forward to being able to observe my mentor with this class again ~ I think I have a different perspective after being in his shoes for awhile. And even though they test me, they occasionally offer endearing comments like, "You mean, you're not going to teach us anymore? Do you realize what this is going to do to us?" Actually, yes. It may be the best thing that ever happens to you academically, having a real teacher again.

Honestly, when I stop to think about it, I can begin to understand why many of my students aren't all that motivated to learn science. Given what I know about some of their lives, school is more like an escape from reality, whether that reality involves deadbeat parents, family members dying of AIDS, gang-inspired behaviors, assault charges, terminal cancer diagnoses, apartment fires, or all of these wrapped up into one happy life. Many of them have already dealt with more in their 15-18 years of life than I'll probably ever face in my lifetime. With that in mind, I can see why they're more interested in talking to their friends and text-messaging and sleeping in class than in listening to a teacher or doing their work. They don't really need to learn the photosynthesis reactions or characteristics of chordates; they need survival skills, healthy coping mechanisms, and a shred of hope that life isn't always going to be so dismal. While I may not be able to get all of them to "buy in" to the idea of school, I can at least try to be positive and help them discover their own strengths and possibilities.

I’m a little miffed at the weather report. Every time I plan for an outdoor lab, it rains. Granted, it’s not Wednesday yet, and it might not be soggy & wet, but I was really looking forward to this Animal Behavior activity. I think my kids have spring fever, and they’d welcome the chance to venture outside as much as I would. Ah well … there’s always Plan B.

Couldn't resist this ...

Thanks to the "Londoner" who distracted me momentarily from lesson planning. Fun. Since I do have a bit of Italian lurking around in my genes, maybe it's not too far from the truth (although I'd surely trade the cappucino for Earl Grey) :

You Belong in Rome You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better?

Try it yourself; I know you want to.

How time flies

Spring Break certainly seemed to go by quickly . . . I did enjoy the break, although I wish I had had more time for "fun." I tried to be productive and I guess I was, mildly, although it still feels like the "to do" list is ever-expanding. Much like our universe, as Hubble discovered (yes, we're studying astronomy in Earth Science now; I'm such a nerd)

Speaking of E.S., I feel like I am constantly perplexed about the best approach for this class. After reading their evaluations, I learned that they really do hate taking notes, which I already gathered intuitively. I purposefully attempt to avoid this as much as possible, but sometimes it's necessary and an effective way to ensure that they get accurate information. There's such a spectrum of ability levels and I still find it difficult to design lessons that can stimulate the advanced students without overwhelming the ones who struggle. I was concerned that some of my activities and assignments weren't complex enough, and that I might be "dummying down" my instruction as a result. However, during a recent lesson as I circulated the room, one student lamented, "Miss M, this is like Honors'-level work," and a nearby student responded, "Yeah, and we don't get the extra 3 points!" I took the opportunity to tell them how I thought they were all very capable and competent of Honors' level work, which seemed to evoke a few smug smiles but didn't really do much in the way of motivation. I'm beginning to realize first-hand the importance of having high expectations; my mentor advised me to keep them high, adding that some students will always aim for less than what is expected, so if we continue to lower the standards, those students will subsequently be striving for less and less. Interesting perspective.

I recently thought back to a student teacher I had in high school. I remember certain people in our class were very sarcastic/rowdy, tested him often, tried to stump him with off-the-wall questions and then corner him into tangential discussions. Our main teacher later told us that the student teacher dreaded our particular class, and often had to make emergency trips to the bathroom to vomit before our class. I felt horrible when I heard that, but now I can somewhat empathetically relate. While I haven't emptied my stomach yet, I do have a certain level of "heightened awareness" (doesn't that sound nicer than nerves/anxiety?) before 4th period. Ah well... what goes around comes around, I suppose (not that I was ever directly responsible for my student teacher's discomfort, I might add).

Someday I should reflect more actively regarding the speaker I heard tonight on Intelligent Design theory. Very interesting and thought-provoking - and added a couple more books to my intended summer reading. However, I still need to get organized for tomorrow, and I really should try to start the week with a reasonable amount of sleep. Hopefully sleep will cure this annoying headache ... PowerPoint induced, most likely.